Death Bug Killin Tasty Sausage Stuff

You will only survive living in the Dahl House if you are prepared for combat 24/7. This morning I woke up at 6am bright eyed and bushy tailed. Fed the cats. Made coffee. Wrote some C# code. It was a nice, quiet, peaceful Sunday morning. Then Vicki woke up...


Vicki wasn't feeling well. She was tired, irritated, etc... My anxiety was building just sitting next to her. SO... I decided it was time again to deliver some of my BRILLIANT workout/energy wisdom... That didn't turn out in my favor. I learned a lot about myself in that brief moment in time. Good thing I had my combat underpants on.

Afterwards, Vicki and I cooked breakfast together. I was in charge of turning the plastic wrapped sausage turd into little patties and cooking them up. Vicki was making eggs, biscuits, and gravy... Yum! That was good! (Even though Jessie snuck on the table and ate half of my eggs...)


Then, we decided to re-do "The Bug's" cage. I decided to go with a Jurassic Park theme. Complete with Caveman hut, coconut tree, twisty shells, and BIG GIANT catasaur foot prints.

Then we got our bikes and went for a 2.2 mile ride. Vicki said her bike wasn't shifting right so I tested it out. For the most part hers was shifting fine. She had all 21 gears working. My bike only had 2 working... Anyway, I felt like I was a monkey riding one of those tiny bikes when testing out Vicki's bike. (It's set a lot lower than mine...) While pedalling up a hill I thought it would be fun to change to a lower gear. When I did this, the pedal slipped and shot my right knee up into the handlebars. Ouch! So now I'm limping... After telling Vicki her gears are fine, we drove to lunch, had a taco, drove through the car wash, and back home. Good thing I was wearing my combat knee pads...

One would think that this was the end of the story... But no... It's not...

As I was putting the bikes in the basement, Vicki yell saying I need to get up there right away! So, I quickly limp up the stairs. OW! OW! OW! OW! (You get the point...)

Vicki's all wide eyed at the top of the stairs. She says: "Ed's got something in his mouth and he's trying to bring it in the house!" "I think it's a snake!"

I'm thinking... "Aw cool!"

Anyway, I had noticed about 6 critter sized holes in the far end of my back yard. I just never saw any critters until now. Ed had a chipmunk with a freshly snapped neck in his mouth. And, he REALLY wanted to bring it in the house! It was a gift for mommy!

After about 1 minutes of running around, I was on the deck with Ed, he presented the gift to me, I grabbed it and thanked him, pat him on the head, and booted him IN the house.

With chipmunk in hand, I walked to the shed to get my shovel and a container so the little monkey could receive a proper burial. Good thing I had my combat gloves on!

One would think that THIS, THIS, THIS would be the end of the story. But it's not...

I found one of those little plastic pots that plants at the store come in. I put monkey in there. (Yes, I'm calling him "monkey" now...) Grabbed a shovel and started limping towards our wooded area. Through the trees I went until I came upon a small clearing near the creek. This looked like a good spot. I looked at the ground and actually saw a decent sized hole already scratched up! Nice! A few more scoops with the shovel and the grave site would be ready!

So, I strike the shovel into the ground... Yeah... The suspense is killin' ya' aint' it?

All of a sudden the shovel head blurs in yellow... I was like... Huh? That's weird... I blink my eyes...

SHEEEEEYYYYAAAAAHHHHTTTTT!!!!! The shovel, plastic pot, and monkey all go FLYING up in the air. I spin 180 and sprint as fast as I could until I hit the grass line of my back yard. Pwinggggg! Tink... THUD! All 3 things that I was carrying hit the ground. Oooops...

When I turned around a HUGE swarm of yellow jackets were flying around by the little hole. I'm talking a swarm of at least 6ft in diameter. Yeow.

I totally forgot my knee was hurting... Mind over matter I say!

I was lucky. I managed not to get stung. But I still needed to go back and get shovel, pot, and monkey.

So I walk into the house, tell Vicki what happened, get a can of bee and wasp killer, and go back out. All the yellow jackets except for one went back in the hole. I slowly wanked over and grabbed the shovel and the pot. Then looked around... Where's monkey?

Gads... He was like 4 feet away from everything else. Propped up against a tree. I thought he came back to life and ran away.

Slipping away... I remember my last encounter with yellow jackets. I was cutting the lawn minding my own business, poured grass clippings on a bee hole, and one flew out and stung the crap outa me... I had no idea why I was a target (at the time). Anyway, I remembered the best time to destroy a bee colony is at night when they're all in the nest sleeping. So... I will wait...

Alrighty... I grabbed monkey. Slowly walked to another nice spot. Dug a hole. Did the whole burial ceremony thing. MARKED the bee hole with a brick and the little plastic pot. Walked back in the house. Popped a Motrin. Took a shower. Started blogging...

Hmmm... I have no idea how yellow jackets contribute to the circle of life... I guess tonight they will become fertilizer for the surrounding trees...

Good thing I'll have my combat flashlight and combat bee spray on...

You've Gotta Be Kidding Me Stuff

Last Saturday I had cut the lawn and told Vicki that my skin hurt. I didn't know if I had rubbed on a tree or what. During the week I had been telling my co-workers that I felt weird and my skin was hurting. Last night I noticed a rash spawning from the center of my back, chest, and wrapping around my torso. And it didn't itch. It hurt...

At that point I really couldn't say it was muscle pain from working out. I guess it was time to go to the doctor...

So there I am thinking: "Dagnabbit! He better not shove his finger up my butt! I got 2 years until I'm 40! And... I'm eating a LOT of bad Mexican food before going on THAT visit! He's gonna be sorry... He'll think twice before losing ANOTHER finger!"

Anyway, I got there, sat in a room for an hour, doctor came in, I pulled my shirt off, he said you've got shingles and wrote me a prescription. Then he sent me off to the phlebotomist so she can test my blood for HIV and other fun stuff. It only took her 4 pokes to get a vein. Awesome...

My butt was saved...

So, now I sit here with a painful back, neck, and chest. I can tell it's going to get worse before it gets better. Oh well. That which does'nt kill me makes me stronger.

OH WAIT! I forgot to mention the HUGE FESTERING ZIT that is living inside my right nostril! I sneezed earlier and thought I was gonna die. I laughed instead...

I feel stronger...

I think I need to go play Super Mario Galaxy on the Wii for the next 7 days... See ya...

Genius Stuff

Vicki and I went to Cracker Barrel for dinner today. While waiting for our food, Vicki pulled out the "peg" game. She sat there concentrating while jumping and pulling out peg-by-peg. Peg's flying everywhere. As she got down to about 6 pegs, I started offering help. She brushed me away and left me to collecting pegs as they flew through the air... She got down to the final 3 and I said, "Holy Cow! You did it!" She got down to 1 peg without cheating. I don't think I ever saw anyone do it before... Reading the rules, if you get down to 1 peg standing, you are a "Genius".

Honestly, I already knew she was a genius. In fact, she told me how to drive at least 3 times on the way there. If she didn't, we probably would have been dead by now. My heroine!

Anyway, I attempted the peg game myself and wound up with 2 pegs standing. "Purdy Smart" is how I was ranked. Not Genius, but Purdy Smart. I can live with that... Just call us "Pinky and the Brain"...

So... You're probably thinking that the story is over but you're wrong...

I had been joking around all afternoon about how sneaky and calculating I can be once I get somthing in my head. Vicki was agreeing with every word. She knows me. We've been married for over 13 years. Now, this doesn't mean I cause harm to to others or myself. It means: "If I want something really bad, I'm gonna find a way to get it..."

Well... I had something in mind for about 2 months now... And it just so happens, I've been saving my secret stash for it...

Anyway, the time was right so I go on the internet, search for the thing I want, and what comes back? Out of stock, sold out, better luck next time sucka. I drive to Wal-Mart, Target, BestBuy, CircuitCity, Sam'sClub: No, no, no, no, no, no!

Alright. Fine. This dang thing is popular and sells out 1 hour after UPS drops a load off at the store. Gads! Get a life people! It's just a... a... THING!!!

Ebay: $550.00 --> Just shoot me now... My plan was to get this thing and all the desired pieces around Christmas time. With people pickin' em' off in September, I didn't have a chance...

So... I'm in a search of a thing that has greatly dropped in price, is extremely popular amongst the "in" crowds, is sold at most stores like Wal-Mart, etc... How do I get such a thing when I have a full time job and never around when the things come in? I tell you... You have to be "Purdy Smart" to pull this one off...

So, I sat a-thinkin' in my smartness. Popular, novelty-type item... Nabbed at the popular stores as soon as they come in... Hmmmm...

I got it! I'm gonna find me the poorest town in Gwinnett county that has a Wal-Mart! Think about it. Those people are not worried about novelty items. They're worried about food, clothing, and shipping most of their money back to Mexico! Awesome!

So... On the way home from work one day, I drive to Lilburn, GA. I locate the Wal-Mart and walk on back to the electronics department. Look in the display case and see, zippo, nada, nuttin'... I stood there and thought some more. What kind of people work at Wal-Mart in a poor town? LAZY PEOPLE! Yes!!!

Now I go to the register where 4 employee's are standing around and kindly ask: "Do you have any Wii Balance Boards in stock"? One of the ladies mumbles to a gentileman and he hobbles off to the back. 5 minutes later he comes back with a perfectly taken care of box with the balance board in it. He hands it to me, I smile and thank him, and I get in line at the electronice register. There was one lady in front of me. She had her purse wide open with checkbook out. She was telling the lady at the register that she needed to take her check and that the bank didn't know what they were talking about. I didn't really want to be part of it. But, there I was...

15 minutes later one of the other people standing around turns on the other register and checks me out. WHAT!!!!??? Eh... Whatever... I had to get home before traffic got bad.

Now, being "Purdy Smart", I assumed I got the hard part out of the way. The Wii Console will be no big deal... I'll get it in November or something... Sweet. I get home, place the balance board in the cat room closet, and get on with the afternoon...

A few days and a payday pass. Which also means a little more dough got auto-deposited into my secret stash. (Vicki has one too. It's really not secret. It's just an area where we get a small amount of guilt-free cash every 2 weeks... Let it accumulate over several months and WaLa! Fun Money!)

Anyway, for giggles, I googled for the Wii Console. UGH! The situation was just as bad as trying to find an in-stock balance board! I thought: "Maybe if I don't find a console, I could sell the balance board on ebay in December for $300". Profit is good. Wii Fit yuppie junkies will do anything for their toys! (Lucky for Vicki, I never go to that extreme. I like good stuff but I'm not gonna pay extra for it... My stash is not huge. I can only afford the Wal-Mart price...)

So, I had to get some strings for my accoustic guitar yesterday. The closest Guitar Center is in Lawrenceville which is 2 miles from the Lilburn Wal-Mart. I got my strings. Drove to Wal-Mart, came across another group of employees standing around in the electronics department, one lady mumbled to a 14 foot tall lanky guy, he walks to the back, and comes back with a Wii Console. Ka-Ching. Secret stash = Purdy Low Now... Maybe in 2 weeks I can get the charging station... Conveniently, Vicki had called and asked me to pick up milk and cereal. Heh: "I guess I gotta go out of my way and pick the stuff up... No Problem!" So I turned the corner, grabbed the stuff, checked out, and drove home.

Lucky for me, Vicki was taking a nap on the couch. So, in plain sight, I walked the console box back to the cat room closet.

Fast forward 24 hours. Dinner at the Cracker Barrel is over. We're driving to Game Stop while having a conversation on how hard it is to find the Wii & Stuff. It took our friend Deborah a long time to get hers (a gift for her husband).

Vicki had mentioned wanting a "Mario" game earlier. I explained that the PS3, which we own, does not support the Mario line. Vicki was sad... :( I couldn't let her down! I picked out Mario Galaxy in the Wii section and brought it over to Vicki. Vicki exclaimed, "Is there something wrong with you? We don't have a Wii!" Drats! I forgot about her new "Genius" title... "Why would you get a game for a console you don't own!?" *GULP* "Inspiration?", I said...

I put the game back and Vicki looked at me like I was only "Purdy Smart" for the rest of the afternoon... Geniuses... I tell ya...

Well Vicki... You've been married to me for 13+ years. You know me by now. No animals were hurt during this filming... I love you. I really really really love you. Infinity even.

Shall Wii play a game?